In the latest set of revelations, Edward Snowden has released documents stating the National Security Agency has been keeping a close eye on the activities of VTech users for “any suspicious activity” since 1976 – when the electronic learning product manufacturer was originally founded.
VTech is yet to comment – but users of the company’s devices have been surprisingly vocal in their thoughts…
Helen, 3, from the UK says: “Just when you think it’s safe to play educational games to make learning fun – you wonder – instead of protecting national security; is this all part of a scheme to find the next-generation of elite minds for a top-secret government facility?”
Dave Phillips, Helen’s father, says: “Personally I’m happy that the NSA is keeping an eye on my daughter’s activities. The UK Government’s mandatory internet filters have been a complete disaster – so it’s nice to know I don’t have to bother checking what she’s up to.”
VTech’s new ‘InnoTab 3S’ key features include;
- Kid Connect – helps kids keep in touch with “their crew” through voice messages.
- Wonder Cam – for keeping up with the latest ‘selfie’ trend which is greatly enhancing the artistic creativity among young people these days. Shame it doesn’t have filters.
- Integrated Web Browser – for when built-in applications don’t help with that quantum mechanics theory you’ve been working on.
TelecomsTech ran into a security expert down the pub who revealed NSA’s startling abilities: “We’ve all heard of the gang culture influencing young people today – the NSA claims through monitoring voice communications it has prevented several toys from not being shared. We all know how that can lead to terrorism…. and I’m *hick* to believe them.”
We pushed for further comment but at this point she was escorted out by what we can only presume was her own highly-trained security detail.
VTech’s tablet comes with the ‘My Magic Beanstalk’ game – which the company describes as: “Kids can play and grow their beanstalk over time. In this fun, interactive game, kids take care of their beanstalk by watering it to make it grow.
They’ll also harvest and collect beans, learn parts of plants and collect trophies along the way. They can connect wirelessly to VTech’s Learning Lodge to get water and fertilizer to grow different beans.”
My Magic Beanstalk is now widely-regarded to be hijacked by the NSA for testing young people’s agricultural abilities for when the government inevitably admits climate change is real, out of control, and we’ve only got a matter of months left to live on this planet.
Disclaimer: In case it wasn’t obvious, this entire article was entirely fictitious for April Fools’ Day 2014.